


Painting

by distorted_reflection



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Instability, Suicidal Thoughts, i guesss, implied bipolar disorder, implied/referenced eating disorder, somewhat AU, uh mentions of blood I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 13:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8104702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distorted_reflection/pseuds/distorted_reflection
Summary: Paint your face and paint a smile. Go out and laugh a laugh that is three quarters lies and quarter amusement at your own failures.(The crimson princess | Will paint your lips red | Will paint your clothes red | Will paint the whole world red)





	

_Paint your face and paint a smile._

Every morning, every day. What are you feeling? Irrelevant. Hide it all behind a smile, one that will fool everyone. You are irrelevant, you know that. Just be of use to others, won’t you? Paint a smile on your face which will convince everyone, paint an illusion over the dark clouds under your eyes and the sunken valleys of your cheeks.

_Go out and laugh a laugh that is_

You laugh and laugh and laugh all day, every day. No happiness is there, but you can lie enough to make it believable. And some days everything _is_ amusing, enough to keep you laughing in stitches and bouncing off the walls, possessed by a mad energy that drives you to do and do and do. Your limbs shake and contort to painful, impossible shapes in the privacy of your room, and you can barely hold it just at that. Laugh to hide your tears, laugh to hide your pain, laugh to hide your jutting bones and aches of hunger and manic episodes.

_Three quarters lies and quarter_

A calendar, marked with incomprehensible symbols. You keep track of all thoughts and episodes and mistakes. You look for patterns to control it better. There’s threes and ones and fours, but they swim in front of your eyes. Those aren’t tears of laughter in your eyes, and agony is an old friend you know too well.

_Amusement at your own failures._

You fail everything, and isn’t that hilarious? You are depended upon by the world to keep it safe, even if the world doesn’t know it. Failure, failure, failure. Despite what others say, you are no genius. You are just a pathetic shadow of what you could have been. This never fails to make you laugh, as you think of your own existence.

_Are you tired? Are you sad?_

Yes. You are tired enough to want to sleep and never wake. Sad enough that if you stop, you will never continue. Wouldn’t dying be wonderful? Or letting go of the reins, and letting everything happen as it happens. No control and no cares, just a spiralling descent of everything down the road of destiny. (Doomed) The fatigue is deeper than your bones, deeper than your heart, and it may as well be your blood.

_Don’t be. The crimson princess_

Smile for your friends, smile for your enemies. Smile for everyone, smile for the princess as you lock her away and bear her screaming anger. Smile as she tears you down and ruins you apart on the inside, violating and degrading and eroding the definitions of your self. Smile. (Failure, you will smile upon atrocities and deem them yours)

_Will paint your lips red_

With the blood of your enemies, spilling everywhere. (Ecstasy) Red, scarlet, crimson, from the hearts of a thousand corpses.

_Will paint your clothes red_

With the blood of your friends, her ceaseless hunger unsatisfied. Your hands will take them apart, while she guides them. (Euphoria) Dark, bright, ruby, from the ones who surround you, an awful beauty.

_Will paint the whole world red._

She will devour everything in her dominion. Her dominion is everything, and one day she will rise and claim it. Dye the world red with the blood of innocents, the living and the dead. (All is hers) The seas will run red with the blood of the world, and all light will be snuffed out as the universe will descend into a crimson darkness.

_Paint what you can before her,_

Control her, claim what you can before she gets to it.

_Lock the reds and brushes away._

Choke yourself to suffocate both of you. Chain yourself to restrain her. Slice yourself to harm her. (Kill yourself to possibly destroy her)

_Don’t close your eyes. Don’t sleep._

Perfect control and restraint of her, and no control over your body. Laughter and shakes and painful contortions, brimming energy and a spring madness, an eldritch wildness at the worst of times, _cheshire cat that disappears leaving only a smile_. (Breaking through)

_Control your breath, your heart,_

_Your mind. Every thought, feeling_

_A danger. She must not escape._

Stopping her destroys what makes you, you. Decay and rot and disintegrate. A terrible ghost, one foot in the impossible dimensions of the princess. Jitters and chronic pain, no control over your physical body. The pain is a small to price to pay for the safety of all you hold dear. (what do you and your desire matter, you are almost dust and shards)

_Chain yourself, until the time_

The clock ticks for both of you. What is the outcome you don’t know, yet the promise of satiated hunger is in the shadows all around you, despite your best efforts and all the spilt blood.

_When you can kill her, comes_

Will you? Would you? Can you? Could you?

_As sure as a fleet-footed shadow._

As sure as fire in the ice. As a rainbow in the sunless storm. As salvation from a black hole. (impossible)

_Paint a smile, paint a grin_

Conceal and smile and lie and decay behind your flippant mask and bright grins, twisted in the way no one recognises.

_Hide your cries in empty lies_

No truths spill from your mouths and the lies say nought. Cry, failure, cry. Weep for your worthless soul, as starvation burns you on the inside and drives you madder.

_All the pain you mustn’t feel_

Control must be maintained, despite it all. Starve and refrain, cut and feel, weep and remember. Give up physical control for mental chains.

_All the things you mustn’t do._

Live and eat and feel and cry and flee. You must stay as strong as a tree growing from barren rock on a world with no sun that hangs in the sky above.

_How can you live? Monster._

You do not live. You barely exist.

 _Carnage. God. Death. All you_.

A horrific abomination in a flesh mask, born of an insane mind.

_Too dangerous. A moment’s_

How do you stop a black hole?

_Lapse in concentration._

Destruction, death, decay, nothing. A spreading void, which is then reeled back. A momentary taste of reality, the promise of no hunger and no pain in every joint, a clear mind and euphoria of freedom. (Temptation to fall further than anyone ever, before or after)

_Will paint your lips red_

As you consume.

_Will paint your clothes red_

As you weep blood.

_Will paint the whole world red._

Ash and dust and fragments are all that left in your combined wake.

_Seal your soul, hide your heart_

Control, control, control. Imposed order and regulations, binding laws on an amoral abomination hiding in you.

_Soon you must leave, depart._

An eternal welcomed sleep.

_A single strike to kill you both_

A single blade, a single movement. Soon, you hope as hunger claws at your insides, as you are desperately hungry.

_A monster dwelling deep inside._

A living black hole, a god who is an old one, who is great and terrible and hides as a princess in the depths of your soul.

**Author's Note:**

> What the hell is it with me? And all these depressing and weird stories?
> 
> Anyway, feedback is very welcome. I am very curious about what you, readers, think about this. 'Cause I am just confused and weirded out by my brain. The 'lyrics' are my own.
> 
> Each time you don't review, I feel a pang of disappointment, to be honest. (And yes, emotional blackmail is not my forte, I have to admit. But I actually do feel disappointed each time. And after all this depressing shit, I need CHEERING UP.)


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